Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Outrageous Opinion#2 - Toothpaste is Addictive


Before I launch into the whys and wherefores of my opinion, I need to present a fact. The old picture of the 4 taste areas of the tongue is wrong. First of all there are five taste receptors on the tongue: salt, sweet, sour, bitter, and umami (think of tangy although that is an oversimplification). Second, those taste receptors are spread all over the tongue and not so much localized. That's it for the perception lecture.

Now, why do I propose that toothpaste is addictive?

With my last opinion I gave scientific reasons for why ants are happier than we are. For this one it is more personal. Occasionally, I will be brushing my teeth and go into sensory euphoria. My mouth just sings, especially when at the end I brush my tongue. I suspect this symphony of the taste buds is by design.

Why, you ask, are you, Bob Spiller, so suspicious?

Do you remember the subliminal messages at the movies back in the fifties and sixties? These were rapid images designed to get us to buy popcorn and soda pop. They were outlawed. More recently we learned that cigarette manufacturers laced their coffin nails with extra addictive agents to hook us even more. I do believe they are still doing this. Does anyone believe that other product manufacturers, with all the data they mine, and all the scientific advancements that have happened in the last fifty years, haven't had an AHA moment and followed the cigarette guys lead.

No I don't want to alarm anyone (well actually I do; this entire piece is sensationalist propaganda, but what the heck) but if you follow this logic then of course additives have been stuck in mustard, pickle juice, nasal spray, you name it. Why not?

But let's get back to toothpaste. Here's my theory. With all the types of toothpaste out there, certain ones are matched up with particular types of DNA--much like designer viruses. When a match happens, that person is hooked!!!!!!

Having said all this, let me finish with a simple statement. I love my toothpaste. And though I believe I'm being manipulated, I have no intention of switching. I will end my days a contented addict.

Be well, fellow addicts.


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